Will you ever raise your hand on me?


I was in a highly vulnerable state. One comforting shoulder and I would rest my head on it, for I have just come out of an abusive relationship.

It was going on for several years. He would lose his temper during our fights and start throwing and breaking objects, would push me to the floor, kick me, hold my wrist tightly or abuse my parents without any context or connection to the topic of argument.

But he would also feel sorry after regaining his senses when his temper would lower down. He would do things to persuade, be extra nice for sometime and sweet talk me back into his life. Despite making my mind several times to separate from him, he was successfully able to keep me in it.

When our daughter was born, I was happy. Also because I thought now I have a witness if I ever need to prove my case in front of authorities. Since no one in our friends and family knew this aspect of him. I never let this out.

I called police once during this physical abuse and soon realized I can’t press charges against this man, for he is the father of my child and a part of me still loved him. I turned back from my statement to the police.

Months and years passed by, nothing changed. He never changed. And one day during an argument and his abusive behavior, the reality struck me.

What if my daughter accepts it as a reality of life? And allows someone to abuse her in future? I decided to finally step out of this hell. I gathered the courage to do this finally, if not for me, for my daughter.

Called a lawyer, arranged practicalities, fought with my emotions, tried to stay strong, tons of mutual agreements about taking care of and sharing time between us with our daughter, Kia and I was out.

Started a new life in an apartment with my 5 year old love, she supported me incredibly, beyond her age and understanding.

I stopped meeting friends who would remind me of him, ask about him and offered fake sympathies. As I distanced from everyone, my life was restricted to Kia and work.

Few months later, we had a new team mate. For some reason, I liked to talk to him over others, probably because he dint know about my past and hadn’t seen me in that devastated state.

After a long time, I felt the zeal to live life and love life. There was some excitement about getting ready for work. Not that I wanted to get involved romantically again, I was afraid and had only bitter experiences in that regard.

But it felt nice to exchange smiles, chat and share jokes with someone. After all, that was my only source of happiness after Kia, since I distanced myself from friends and family.

He asked me out for a coffee outside work, on a weekend. As Kia was supposed to be with my ex-husband that weekend, I agreed. We met, we poured our heart out to each other about our past, heart breaks, fears, happiness, dreams and so on. There was no alcohol involved but we were still intoxicated by the end.

He knew somewhere that something is holding me back. I also could sense he didn’t want to take the risk of losing a beautiful relationship because of going too fast. We stayed colleagues and friends for a long time and met each other outside work several times for coffees and dinners.

We were on a business trip together after 17 months of knowing each other. By this time, we knew that we are attracted to each other. After a long day at work, we were having dinner, he finally popped the question – will you marry me?

And I asked – will you ever raise your hand on me?

He was perplexed for a moment with my counter question but soon could sense where was it coming from and smiled with a gleam of truth and sincerity in his eyes.

He said no and I said yes!


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